Sometimes, I wonder why I even try. I meet a person, we begin exchanging pointless drivel, the larger subjects being who did what and why. So, if this is a sort of, ‘standard procedure’ of meeting someone, each and every person should go into the first conversations with a mindset of acceptance and understanding.

Yeah, right. ‘Cuz people are sensible? Pfft. People are assholes. People assume that just because they are entitled to their own opinion that they must defend it to everyone who disagrees. This is a MAJOR problem, people! I have only 21 years on this earth and I figured out long ago that coherence between individuals rely on agree to disagree.

Background: school. Subject of study: medical assisting. Time: 1730. Location: Laboratory. Students: 6. The only people arguing: 2. Me and a girl. Her name is Andrea, not Alyssa (product of not getting an eye exam in two years). Andrea feels that her modus operandi is to flirt with everyone. She thinks its funny or cute or something. What she failed to realize is that when she flirts with a guy, they might actually take her seriously. Enter ME. Excuse me for taking flirting seriously when I can count the number of girls I’ve slept with and dated on one hand. (I do have a normal amount of fingers). Excuse me for calling her cute when she is even though she has Chrons disease, a half a mouthful of teeth and wears a wig that was made from a dying woman’s hair. Despite all that, she is a catch. But, if I call her cute, what am I, in grade school? Oh, and I’m supposed to look for that engagement ring worn by the girl flirting with me. Yep, that’s right. She flirts with me, and she’s engaged. So last night, we were in class, chillin, chatting, chilaxin, she starts staring at me again. I return the gaze and she says in this raspy, seductive undertone “I want you, Ryan, I wanna do dirty things to you.” Being totally new to this sort of attention, my awkward response is, of course, “Oh yeah?”, then, “Sorry, but my moral compass prevents me from letting anything happen.” WHOAHAHAAAA BUDDY!!! Holy FUCK I actually did the right thing, and I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING BAD GUY.. I’m getting REALLY FUCKING SICK OF THESE GAME-PLAYING BITCHES THAT ACT THEY WANT MY DICK AND THEN CRUCIFY ME FOR SAYING NO!! I just had to get that out of my system. So let us analyse why I said no. #1. I thought she was being serious. #2. I put myself in the perspective of her finance. If my woman accepted my marriage proposal and then went out flirting and offering to fuck anything that walks on two legs and has a hole, I would dump her ass on the curb next to a pimp, give him money and tell him that this is his new best employee.

PHEW… I feel better.. Okay, so, after I said no, she got all sad and thoughtful and ignored me for ten minutes. All of a sudden her face brightened up, like a light bulb went off in her head. She ripped her notebook out of her bag, furiously scribbled something in large letters, and slapped it in front of me as if to say, ‘So, there!’ The note read “I WAS JUST JOKING”. My first thought was “It’s a little late to back-peddle.” So I wrote my honest response, telling how I noticed how her whole attitude changed when I said no, and that I didn’t believe that she was joking. Then I said that I didn’t really care, that she should just forget about it. This pissed her off even more and she said aloud, “We aren’t friends anymore.” I made the mistake of giggling a little and saying, “You’re right. We aren’t friends. Friends know each other. We have had three classes together, we don’t know each other. We are acquaintances.” I didn’t say that to mean that I didn’t want to be her friend, she actually reminded me of me in a lot of ways, mostly how she conducts herself in public. I meant that in a ‘I want to get to know you more’ kind of way. But, as is my luck, she took it all wrong.

So, my realization is that no matter who I meet, be they male or female, local or foreign, indigenous or immigrant, potential friend, girlfriend or foe, I need to keep to myself and let the other person do the work. I’m tired of throwing myself at the mercy of anyone’s judgement only to be hated or discarded because I am far different than anyone they previously have met. No longer will I waste my energy trying to talk myself into being a certain way that will gain me points for the people around me. I am whatever I say I am, and I say that I am what I am, despite of whatever I may say that I am.

I have to get to class, so I shall leave you today with a poem that I wrote last year. I am quite proud of it, so shall you too, I hope.

I’m stuck in the abyss. Its similar to being in a time loop.  every day is exactly the same. I assure you, its no fun repeating the same routine over and over.

I think ive told you this before… I cant remember how this got started…. but i can tell you exactly how it will end.

i want to escape, i want to go on an adventure, i cant wait for this move any longer. ill miss my friends and family, but i assure you, its for the best

Me and Allie at our High School's 2009 homecoming game.

I would continue from Day 1, but it’s not important. The point of that story was that even though Adam and I have that kind of history, we still became really close friends.

Breakups. They suck. Especially when I did it. I said don’t wait for me, I don’t expect you to wait. I remember that night… We were at her friend’s house, it was my last night home, the next morning I was to set off for basic training. Curfew t-minus 1 hour. We went outside to talk in private. She started hugging me so hard. The kind of hug that is too tight, but you can’t tell her to loosen up because you know why she’s hugging so hard, you feel the same, only, you want to hug harder. She’s a little shorter than me, by a foot almost. But her height was perfect. When she hugged me, she pressed her head against my chest, tucking the side of her head right under my chin, her hair tickled my neck, I could feel her talk, or clench her jaw muscles. We stood like this in the driveway for at least 45 minutes. We barely spoke. I think we both knew deep down why we couldn’t speak. We never ran out of things to talk about, but we both knew it would be all to easy to let an awkward silence ruin this precious embrace. I’m not sure who spoke first, or what was said, but I do know that is was way harder to say goodbye than I could have imagined, how could two words just get stuck? We snapped a photo with her camera, kissed. I suddenly realized that I would rather stay here with Allie forever, holding her, ignoring the rest of the fucked up world we were too familiar with. That was literally seconds before my ride came. She started to cry, sobbing that she couldn’t say bye, begging me not to go, cursing me for doing this. I felt worse then than I ever have. Here I was, standing with the only person on the planet that understood me, and I chose to walk away from her, to give my life away to the army, to the polititions, to join a cause that I didn’t believe in. What made me do it, I’ll never know.

Wow I haven’t dug up that memory in years…. that, was the best WORST night of my life. I’m literally crying and trying to type, I hope its working. I wish I could go back in time and  tell myself that I was making the biggest mistake of my teenage life. I wish I could change a lot of things, but then I think, if I didn’t go through those things, the person I am today would be different. Life isn’t about making right decisions, it isn’t about getting a career, it isn’t about trying to change things and people that are what they are. Life is about learning, expanding one’s mind. Life is surviving the past, escaping yourself, ignoring the influence of those around you who would lead you astray. Life is accepting, balancing, and most importantly LIVING. But that’s all well and good when you’re right in the head, but what about when you feel like you could tear your own hair out and scream so hard flecks of your throat come out? It’s not something you can learn to do overnight. It takes step by step improvement, and alas, more mistakes. Think about the word mistake. Mis-take. ‘Take’ as in, segment of time relative to your limitations. ‘Mis’ as in, failure, in need if a redo. So, a mistake is something that needs to redone. But what if you had the wisdom to foresee a mistake, and the intelligence to deviate from that?

I shall leave you today with a quote by one of the greatest people that ever lived, Bruce Lee. “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend.”

Today beigns, its just another headache and more pills to keep me settled.

In the coming weeks, i have a huge amount of things coming my way, a move to Minneapolis, MN and my grandmother, who is in recovery of a major stroke is on her way to Arizona. Im looking forward to this move and… it will be one of the best things to happen to me… ever. Im looking forward to living in a big city.

Im going to keep this short and sweet.

For all intents of identity, you may call me Ryan. Yes, that is my real first name, and I love it. I started this “record” if you will, because I feel like I have a vast knowledge that goes largely unappreciated by common folk. That be you, reader. I feel it only fair to warn you that some of my ideology may be blunt, if offensive. However, I also feel that I don’t particularly care what you think about me or my way of thinking, and the preceding warning is merely a courtesy.

My day began in a unfortunate manner, LATE. I hate being late, I was late to wake, late to eat, late to begin my morning ritual of a cigarette and episode of Hogan’s Heroes. Now my whole day is set back, I thought. I have to get to school, where the internet is, where I do my online training, where I can acquire multimedia entertainment. I hate being late.

I arrived within 6 minutes of leaving my apartment, pulling into my favorite parking spot right in front of the sliding glass doors. I approached, they gracefully parted with a WOOSH and a low squeal, almost as if they were greeting me with a “WELcome.” The secretary greets me in the usual fashion of a forced smile and the overused “good morning.” Bound by emotionless social norms, I curtsied in return, favoring the visage of polished concrete beneath my feet. Lost in my thoughts, I allowed muscle memory to guide me into the computer lab. I re assumed physical control as the work desk came into view. Fuck this chair I thought, and promptly replaced the cushion-less, anti-ergonomic midget seat with a plush desk-and-chair, similar to a lounger one might find in an upscale café.

Lunch time arrived and I departed for Subway. Something isn’t right, my engine is overheating, and I haven’t even gone a mile! Making a mental note to investigate the sound later, I ordered and sat down with a full foot of sweet onion chicken teriyaki. Mmmmmm….

The problem was quite obvious once the hood of my car was propped open. The fucking radiator cap is missing! How… what?? No wonder the rest of the world now considers us the anus of mechanical engineering. Did I not tighten it down? The car, a 2002 Olds Alero, is legally my Dad’s car, but I drive it. They bought it when I moved, sort of a congrats and good luck gift, making me promise myself into a corner of responsibility that had no loopholes. Funny how a lack of loopholes is the catch, eh? Well no matter, I have to replace the blasted thing. Banishing my discouragement, I returned to school and my work.

DING! My concentration was broken as Facebook announced an IM. It was Adam, whom I now count amongst my best of friends. Picture this; in my junior year of high school (I am now nearly 21), I knew Adam only as “the pill guy.” You know, that shady, seclusive and somewhat socially sidelined individual, rejected and judged by those who, like me, took advantage of his supply of pharmaceuticals and then cast him aside like a cigarette butt into the wind. This guy, as I had thought of him then, had ignored my stern warnings to abandon any attempts to sell or give pills to Allie, my high school sweetheart and the only girl that I have ever been legitimately and mutually in love with. This, guy, Allie had explained between frantic bites of a violently shaking prepackaged PB&J, had again offered her pills. My temper flared, cutting her off from the rest of the story, and barked “Stay here,” and set about searching for my unsuspecting victim. I found him almost immediately, I knew where to look for such a person, with the others of his clique who hid themselves away in the most remote corner of the lunchroom. Storming up, I hollered, “What the fuck is your problem ASSHOLE? I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ALLIE!!” Grabbing him under his collar and shoving him so hard he nearly fell through the 6×8 glass window behind him, I screamed with all of my anger “STAY AWAY FROM HER OR SO HELP I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!”

to be continued….

T+[2:00] it is now two hours since the first dose. the subject is still unreasonable. His mind is going at the speed of light and the seperate personality has fully developed. his main identity will be able to seep through with enough anti-psychotics, but is only a temporary fix. while he is not enjoying the ride, he has finally reached the end of the peak and is going to stay at a steady plateau, after the plateau, however… we’ll have to see.

T+[2:25] the two identities are now co-conscious, this means that both personalities are able to interact with each other. This has shown to be an interesting breakthrough, but  it was too sudden for our tastes. the personality we have developed is very anamalistic, instinctual, dark, and spiritual. this was our main goal. this is what we have wanted, we wanted a martyr. we want to see if we can force the personality into such a psychosis, out of touch with the universe. now that the subjects are co-conscious, we can start to develop an idea of what the fringe looks and sounds like

we need to take a break. let both of the identities to get familiar with each other, and then try to gather as much information as possible.

while on my break, i decide that i need to talk to our chemist, we need a mild sedative,  combined with something that produces an immense feeling of euphoria. that will create optimal performance.

the chemist mixes up a Cannabinoid, MDMA, a very minimal dose of LSD (about 30ug) and a small .5 millagram of Ambien. 

because a few hours have passed, we should do an evaluation of the subject(s), and introduce our cocktail of chemicals. We arrive in the testing chamber, the piece of charcoal we left for the subject to express his state of mind is now a fragment… all over the wall is writing. Its illegible, there are few sequences of numbers scattered about. All of the scribbling seems very otherworldly.

T+[6:00] the subject has just been administered the doses.

T+[6:23] It seems that we’re ready to begin questioning. while the subject is still in a frenzy, its obvious that he is starting to be affected by the chemicals.

Begin questioning 

Test subject, how are you feeling?

i feel very strange i feel amazing

Have you discovered any type of enlightenment with all of these experiments?

yes, very much so, my friend is telling me all about what death is like, who and what god is.

Alright, test subject, what would you and your friend like to be called?

 ill be called Dante. I Think you already know my name, its Robert.

Okay, thank you Dante and Robert, i will be questioning you individually from now on.

Robert, what have you learned, what has Dante told you?

a lot of things, sir. some things that may seem far fetched, some that may seem… um, scary.  ill tell you the good first. Dante explained how he came here, why he is with me, and not you, you see. he came from the mainframe of the universe, where everything is created, where everything ends and begins, he took me there.

Dante, where is this place?

its not a where, its a how. you don”t just simply get there. too bad you’ll never go there, you would be crushed, your mind would explode from the intensity of information being transferred from the “center” … we need a camera, and more medicine, what you gave us when we first began. 

I think i can work that out, is there anything you need other than that?

a camera, and a computer. nothing else.  

yeah that sounds about right. Oh! there is one more thing. we need one hour of free time in the courtyard. 

Okay, i know for sure that we can do those things. we just need to give you more test chemicals. We just discovered a new psychoactive that i think you’ll be pleased with.

*-20 Minutes pass-*

Robert, Dante, We have what you need. just sit down on the chair and close your eyes. You’ll feel a little prick, maybe a bit of a burning sensation under your skin.

Okay, we’re done. Now lets go out to the courtyard. the computer and camera you asked for are outside on the table. the wi-fi will reach out there… so you have access to the internet. you can do anything you want out there, and it will be alone time, of course, there will be cameras watching.

Another day has begun, and this means a new experiment for our latest test subject.
T+[0:00] One dose administered to our lab rat. No immediate effect other than the anticipation of something big.
T+[0:13] first physical symptoms noticed. Dilation of the pupils and a slight tingling in the upper body’s extremities.
T+[0:33] Our subject has begun to walk in circles, with no particular direction. They explain that they feel a slight vibrating sensation thought the whole body and an immense amount of euphoria.
T+[1:03] subject complains that the vibrating sensation has begun to overcome them completely, it is also very apparent that the subject has ingested something that changes the state of consciousness. Their mind is no longer in touch with this plane of existence… it seems they are in a different place all together.
T+[1:45] Asking the participant a few questions shows that they have infact developed a separate personality. The main traits are those of a mad man, rambling on about how we’re all doomed, because of his choice. this chemical is nearing its peak… and that means that the subject will be in this state of consciousness and it will remain permanent.
Talking and reasoning with the subject has become near impossible.
to be continued…

(theoretically) there is really only one moment in existence. What appears to be different moments is actually the same moment, but from a different point of view. There is also only one thing in existence; all of it. It is just one thing experiencing itself as a multitude of things. Even physically, there is only one thing. Imagine there is only one particle in all of existence and there’s nothing else; just one particle. Because there is nothing else to relate to, the particle has no mass and can move at infinite speed. It has no limitations. It has no barriers. There are no laws to govern it because it’s the only thing there is. It can do anything it wants. Therefore, if this one particle can travel at infinite speed, that’s another way of saying that this particle can actually be everywhere at the same time. If a particle can be everwhere at the same time it can appear to be multiple particles, but it is actually the same one particle. Everything that is made up of particles is actually made of the same, one particle moving at infinite speed. Therefore, you actually are the other person’s body. You actually are the dimensions. You are the stars. You are the other planets. Why? Because all those things are all made up out of the same, one particle that everything is made up out of. Everything is here. Everything is now. Everything is one.

after a good nights sleep, i awaken, back in to the state of delusion that i was in before.
this happened over and over for the better part of two weeks before i started to come to my senses again.
i was in a secluded area, with one other kid, his name i don’t remember. he was as delusional as me, only a jesus freak, giving out pieces of paper to those he told were going to heaven. The days went slow and steady in this area, we watched disney movies from sun up to sun down, and that wasnt so bad, but it was somewhat boring. every day, started with a few pills, talking to a doctor and then going about my day. i was always talking about the codes and the numbers, and thought that the mental hospital was going to become my home, and that they never wanted me to leave. after a week or so i started regaining my normal state of mind, with the help of the medication i was on my way out.

the following is from the journal i kept while in the state of my delusion.

pg 1.
Today i realized that i might actually be

insane

but it’s only because i tried, now i’m just tired.
I tried to pray life would work, tried to manipulate it, as if i was in the matrix.

there must be an obvious explination.

i have no idea… why am i still here?

pg 2
i feel as if im StUcK, NOT any MORE.

pg 3
dear google, get out of here.
if everything has a theoretical place… this is still mine.
i feel like everything is nothing and nothing is everything.
so, if you think this is funny, you need to laugh.

pg 4
life, as i knew it was shattered, right before my eyes, never to return.
my life was simple, broken, not ready to be fixed.
someday, everything.
today is the 24th.

pg 5
i have no idea, is whats on the radio real?
yeah, this is true.
perception/reality
i didnt own it but maybe i did.

super bored but, all is well.

i cant wait to listen to music.
i need to listen to some good stuff, new stuff, maybe something i havent heard. the radio is getting old.
i just want to go back to easy life.
so bored and tired.
i quit smoking so far in this place.
class was interesting, had input to give but i didnt want to.

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